Lappy:: Diary of a Moth

I am nothing but a moth. In my short life, I never get to know my name. Maybe it’s because I don’t have one and there’s no one here to call me or talk to me or even ask my name. So, there’s no need for that trouble because there’s nobody here except me. Zero. None; I am all alone.

“You are not alone, I am here with you. Though we are apart, you’re always in my heart…,”

How I wish this to be true for me. I heard this song once from some random student’s MP3 player. Yes, I know songs. I know Michael Jackson. I am one clever moth. Clever- but lonely. Don’t be surprise, but I live in a library where it is so cold, quiet, big and interesting- just my kind of scene. I never actually knew how an insect like me could actually know and learn so much. Being a moth, I could fly everywhere and see almost everything and this is my way of learning. I observe almost every inch of this library from up-top to down-below and it is very entertaining and educational as well. Weird when the word ‘educational’ comes out from a moth’s mouth. But yes, it’s true. I love watching various modes and moods of the students. There are noisy students, sleepy students, and diligent students and then there are some hard-thinking students; now I don’t really understand this kind of students because they always stare into blank spaces, some even stare out the window. I only assume that they got a lot on their mind that all of the work and fun take place in their head; how chaotic.

I also love to listen to their talk, discussions, and gossips or even for those who listen to the MP3 so loud that I can hear the music miles away. It is sad to think that some people do not really care to mind what they say. I am an ordinary moth but even so, what people say is hurtful even when they’re not even talking about me. But I can feel the pain because these people, they really care a lot about looks and appearance. Materialism. Beautiful, handsome, rich; Cool. Ugly, poor; Loser. It is sad because I am an ugly moth. Compared to a butterfly, my colours are dull. If I were to fly in front of a group of people, I am practically invisible and nobody will notice me. But, for a butterfly, it will turn heads and there will be smiles, camera clicking and people would even chase it. I am a loser.

I am not trapped in this library. I choose to be in this library to alienate myself from all of the beauty outside. Truthfully said, I have inferiority complex. Here, I don’t have to compare myself between all of the butterflies out there and the beautiful flowers. I can be content with the belief that I am the only unique being here and I can do whatever I want. But on the other hand, I am lonely. I am confused and I am sad. Why can’t I be beautiful? Why can’t I mingle and have friends or be in a group like the students in this library? Am I that pathetic? Maybe I am similar to the lonely students studying in the library on their own. They look independent and comfortable and they survive. Maybe I’m like that as well? But I can’t say that. Those students look alone but that doesn’t mean that they’re lonely. It’s not fair for me to compare myself to them. I am just a moth. I am alone but sadly, I am lonely.

I fly around when I think. I fly around when I’m sad. I fly around when I feel lonely because I will try to find some crowded place so that I could busy myself with indulging in their discussions. There are a couple of times that I almost get slapped or get smashed by a book. I don’t know why but these humans hate me. I don’t know what their problem is. Do I smell? Am I too loud? I know this is a library, but I don’t think I made that much noise. Does my existence bother people? Even the humans don’t accept me. Maybe I shouldn’t care that much. I am better off alone.

I need to make a landing. Thinking too much – like now - is not really good for me, I could fall into depression if I keep this up. Wait, that looks interesting. I have never seen this book before. There are a lot of colours and images. Very interesting! Wait, I have seen this, this looks like a—no, these are organs. Human organs I think. I‘ve seen these before. There are a lot of science students studying here. This is beautiful, the paper is nice too; smooth and it’s cold. I could lay here and sleep all day if I want too but – Hey!—why has it gotten dark? Who closed the drapes? Oh wait a minute, NO! Wait!! I have to fly--